


I'm Not Human, Remember?

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confrontations, Confused Dean, Drinking, Fluff, Judgmental Sam, M/M, Secrets, Strong Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 21:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7238545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Cas pursues Dean, confronts Sam, and proves to them both that he's not the weak angel that they think that he is? Things could either go very right, or they could go very wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Human, Remember?

Dean stood up from where he had been digging in the cabinet, his hand wrapped around the neck of a cheap bottle of scotch. "How much do you have to drink alone to be considered an alcoholic?"

"Do you really care?" Sam laughed.

"No, just making conversation."

"I'll have a drink if you are uncomfortable drinking alone." Cas offered.

Both brothers looked at him, "No!"

"I don't understand why. I've had drinks before and nothing bad has happened."

"Okay," Dean said, grabbing another glass. "You're right. Technically nothing bad has happened. What about you Sammy?"

"One drink, then I'm going to bed."

Dean grabbed a third glass and filled them almost to the top.

"Aren't these a little overfilled?" Sam asked when Dean handed him his drink.

"Only if you're a lightweight. Drink up Sammy. It's been a good week. None of us has been stabbed, shot, or killed."

"Dean, none of us have left the bunker all week."

Dean grinned at his brother, "which is probably why we haven't been stabbed, shot, or killed."

Sam rolled his eyes, shut his laptop, and started nursing his drink.

"You know that this tastes horrible, right?" Cas asked, making a face.

"It's an acquired taste, Cas. Keep drinking. It gets better."

"If he keeps drinking then he'll quit caring." Sam glanced at Dean. At least his brother was in a good mood. That didn't seem to happen much anymore.

"Same thing. Drink up guys. I'm in it for the long haul tonight, which means do not under any circumstances try to wake me up in the morning."

"Dean, what if..."

"Cas, I said any circumstances." He watched the angel take another sip and visibly shiver when the scotch hit his tongue. He just might be able to hold his liquor, Dean knew that it was going to be entertaining to find out. He also knew that he was an asshole, but his brother and Cas should know, never let an alcoholic asshole get bored. They sat quietly sipping at their drinks, each mentally celebrating their survival in his own way.

Sam finally broke the silence when he set his empty glass down a little too hard. "Okay, thanks for the drink, now I'm off to bed." He stood up and walked a little unevenly down the hallway.

"Fucking lightweight" Dean called after him.

"Dean, what's a lightweight?" Cas asked as he watched Dean start to pour the amber liquid into his glass, which was still half full.

Dean refilled his own empty glass and sat down, "A lightweight is someone who can't hold their liquor. Look at Sam, he's 6'4" and couldn't walk a straight line after one drink. That's a lightweight."

"What about you?"

Dean just laughed, "I think I stopped being a lightweight before I could legally drink."

"What about me?"

"I guess we'll find out."

Cas seemed to be doing okay. He hadn't kept up with Dean, but the bottle was almost gone and he hadn't gotten sick. 

"So, Cas, on a scale of 'one to wasted', how do you feel?"

"Where does 'happy and not thinking straight' fall?"

"Somewhere between 'drunk and drunk off your ass'. Could you walk a straight line?" Dean laughed.

"Probably not, and I wouldn't want to try."

"Well, then you are still a better drinker than Sam." He turned his head and looked at the angel slouched in the chair, his cheeks pink, his eyes growing glossy. He looked a lot better since he'd started wearing jeans and t-shirts around the bunker, even if they were Dean's jeans and t-shirts. Dean slowly walked towards him, "You know what one of the beautiful things about being drunk is, Cas?"

"Not being accountable for your actions?"

Dean stopped right in front of him, surprised. "Well, that's not exactly where I was going with this."

"So you weren't considering seducing me and then blaming it on the alcohol? I know you, Dean. I know that look in your eye and I know how long it has been since you have had sex." Cas smiled drunkenly.

Dean was growing increasingly uncomfortable. "Cas, that's not..."

Cas just laughed, "Dean Winchester, the ladies man, but has always wondered what it would be like..."

"No, it's not like that."

"Okay, so maybe I'm drunk and I want to know."

"Are you propositioning me, Cas?" Dean smiled.

"Would it make you feel better if I were?"

Dean was a little confused, but interested. "Wow, well I never thought we'd be having this conversation. Not even drunk."

"Why not? Everybody else has."

Dean didn't even bother to pretend like he didn't know what Cas was talking about. He knew that for years everybody had wondered what their complicated relationship was really like, if anything was going on behind closed doors. He could even see the questions in Sam's eyes sometimes. He picked the bottle up from the table and downed the remaining scotch in one large swig. His head was swimming and he could feel his dick already growing hard. "Well, then I guess that it's time for bed," and he started walking away. He got almost to the hallway before he turned around, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"You propositioned me, Cas. You were an absolute animal and took advantage of me while I was drunk. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. C'mon."

They hadn't even heard the bedroom door click shut when Dean had Cas pressed up against it, encouraging him to part his lips, their tongues sliding together before Cas pulled Dean's sensitive bottom lip between his teeth. Dean was already panting when Cas wrapped his fingers around his wrist, guiding his arm between them. "Do you feel that?" Cas whispered, pressing Dean's hand against him. "Cas..." Dean groaned, his face buried in Cas's neck, teeth lightly nipping, his full lips sucking the blood to the surface. He curled his hand around Cas through his jeans, running his thumb along the zipper. "God...it hurts..." he panted, his own hard cock straining against the fabric. He pulled Cas against him, stumbling to his bed in the dark. They fell backwards on to the mattress, Cas's hips grinding against his own, "clothes..." he mumbled before he felt Cas's mouth against his. He struggled to sit up, pushing Cas back until he was standing between Dean's legs. He caught the hem of Cas's shirt with his thumbs and slowly slid his hands up his sides, finally leaning forward to kiss the taut skin of his stomach and chest while he waited for Cas to pull it over his head. He could feel Cas's hard body lean into his mouth when he slipped his hands around his back, he had never felt this needy before. Impatient fingers were squeezing and digging into his shoulders, trying to find his flesh. He leaned back to push his own shirt off before reaching out to run his hands up Cas's thighs, hearing the faint sound of a zipper. The fabric loosened enough for him to push the pants and boxers down, letting them drop on the floor, Cas's hard cock grazed his chest. "Now mine..." Dean whispered, laying back, waiting to feel Cas's hands on him. His back arched and he moaned quietly when he felt Cas's palm slide across his cock before working his pants until he felt the room's cold air against his bare skin and heard the soft sound of his own clothes falling at Cas's feet. Their bodies slid together as Cas worked his way up, pushing his chest against Dean's and settling between his legs. Dean wrapped his fingers in Cas's already messy hair, pulling him in for a hard kiss. He moaned quietly again when he felt Cas's mouth move across his jaw and down his neck, biting and kissing. His hands slid from Cas's shoulders to the dip in his lower back, pressing their bodies closer together while they rocked their hips, their hard cocks trapped between their stomachs. "Lube?" Cas whispered against his ear. He reached into his nightstand, still rocking, matching Cas's rhythm. "You want me to..." he trailed off when he wrapped his hand around the bottle of lube. "Hand it to me." Cas demanded, pressing his open lips to Dean's in a hard kiss. Without hesitation, Dean handed the bottle, and all control, to Cas and let his legs fall open. His breath caught when he felt Cas's slick finger slide around his virgin hole, stopping to press against it. "This is going to hurt." Cas whispered hotly in his ear as he slipped his finger inside, working it in and out slowly. Dean groaned in pain when he felt the second finger, "Cas I don't think I can..." stopping when he felt a finger slide against his prostate. His cock twitched and started to throb when he rolled on his stomach. Cas used his free hand to pull Dean's hips up as he knelt behind him, still working both fingers. It was a white hot pain that brought tears to his eyes when he felt Cas slide his cock in. "Oh god...Cas...you've got to give me a minute..." he groaned. He felt Cas slide his hands up his back, squeezing and rubbing his shoulders to help him relax while he started to gently rock his hips. With clenched teeth, he panted and whimpered until Cas's cock found his prostate, eliciting a gasp, "right there...". Every thrust sent a jolt of burning pain and pleasure through his body, he was rock hard and knew that he could come without being touched. Cas reached and wrapped a slicked up hand around him anyway and started to stroke, matching the rhythm of his thrusts. Dean was already there, he slid his hips back and let out a guttural moan as he came all over the sheets beneath him. He heard Cas call his name through a fog before their bodies slammed together one last time, and Cas collapsed on Dean's back, sweaty and exhausted. Dean wanted to slide his body flat, but he couldn't move, Cas still had a hold on him. Cas finally pulled out and rolled onto his back, trying to catch his breath and Dean laid down next to him. Dean could already feel the swelling and bruising, he knew how bad he was going to hurt in the morning, but his concern now was how to deal with Cas. This wasn't some random hookup that he'd never see again, this was his best friend. Should he ask Cas to stay with him? What should he say? He was never good at handling this part.

"Will you turn on the lamp, Dean?" Cas asked, still breathing heavy. 

Dean reached over to turn on the lamp and watched Cas get out of his bed, put the lube back in his nightstand, and pull clean clothes out of the dresser. "I think I'm going to go shower, but Sam probably shouldn't know about this. Goodnight Dean." Cas said before he disappeared. Dean wasn't sure how to feel, but he'd really like to know where in the hell Cas learned how to do that.

\-------------------------

Dean rolled over in bed, sore as hell and hungover. His sheets were a mess and there were clothes all over the floor. He really had let Cas fuck him last night. He groaned and pulled the pillow over his head. If he wasn't sure how to deal with things last night, dealing with things today might be even worse. Cas wouldn't say anything to Sam about it, but Sam seemed to be able to sense this type of shit. Dean would either get the 'look' or even worse, Sam would want to talk about it. He wanted to stay in bed all day, but he knew that wasn't an option, so after yawning and rubbing his eyes so that he could see straight, he threw on his robe and went in search of something to get rid of his headache and a hot shower. 

\-------------------------

"Good morning princess. Hungover?" Sam smiled when Dean walked into the kitchen, looking miserable. His head was pounding and he felt like shit. 

"Nope, feeling fantastic." He grinned, but he wasn't fooling anybody. Cas was sitting at the table and had yet to say anything. Dean could see part of the small purple bruise on Cas's neck, but it was mostly hidden by his shirt collar. Sam probably didn't notice it, at least Dean hoped that Sam didn't notice it.

"Good morning, Dean." Cas finally said to his back while he was pouring his coffee. At least they'd left him coffee. As an angel, Cas didn't need to eat or drink, but he had acquired a taste for coffee and because Dean was the late sleeper, he usually ended up making his own after Cas and Sam had finished off a pot.

"Hey Cas." Dean said, turning around. Cas had the same facial expression that he had every morning. Nothing about him gave away what had happened last night, other than the almost imperceptible smile when Dean tried to sit down without wincing. Dean was relieved. He had to admit that he'd wondered what a night with Cas would be like, but he didn't expect what he got, or for the day after to be so...normal. Oh well, he did get drunk, Cas did proposition him, and he was an animal. His story checked out. 

"Well," Sam said, interrupting his thoughts, "I have work to do." Dean watched his retreating back and waited for the awkwardness to set in. 

"So" Cas started. Dean could already feel the dread. He still had a headache and really wasn't in the mood to talk. "Movie?"

"Uh...sure" Dean stuttered.

"I'll go check Netflix."

Dean watched Cas stand up and turn to leave, "Try to find a Western, an old one. It'll drive Sam nuts to hear in the background while he's working." 

"Okay," Cas laughed. Dean watched Cas walk out and was left alone at the table with this coffee, sore ass, and thoughts.

\-------------------------

It was a strangely calm day in the world of Sam and Dean Winchester and the angel Castiel. Sam and Dean were hunters, but there didn't seem to be anything to hunt right now. The world was quiet. For the most part, Sam passed off the easy hunts, werewolves and vampires, to less experienced hunters. Cas was no longer banned from entering heaven, but they didn't trust him upstairs. He had grown too close to humanity, namely the Winchesters. If they only knew. Sam even closed his laptop early and talked Dean into changing to classic horror films instead of westerns. He hated westerns. Dean kept waiting for something from Cas, maybe a small slide towards him on the couch, a smile behind Sam's back, or a wink, but he got nothing. The most exciting thing that happened was the argument that ensued between the brothers when they tried to agree on what to eat for dinner. Dean usually won the argument, only because Sam gave in. Bacon cheeseburgers, beer, and old movies. 

\-------------------------

Dean was finally drifting off when he heard the familiar fluttering that signaled that Cas was in the room.

"Hey Cas." He mumbled, sleepily.

"I didn't know that you were asleep. I'm sorry, I'll go."

"No, you're good. What's up?"

"I just thought that maybe, I mean, If you feel okay..." Cas stammered.

Even though it was dark, Dean could tell that Cas was blushing. So last night had affected him. "You want to know if you are invited back into my bed?"

"I don't want to bother you. It's just that last night was..."

"Okay, wait, one question about last night, Cas. Where in the hell did you learn all of that?"

"Movies."

"So you've been on my computer again without asking?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Cas, this is where things could get weird. You shouldn't get on my computer, and my ass is killing me, but I can't say that I'm sorry."

"So I can..."

"Yeah," Dean said softly, "but could you try to be a little less 'animal' this time?"

"Of course, Dean." Dean could hear the soft sounds of Cas taking his clothes off. All Dean had on were boxers, he'd let Cas deal with those. He held the blanket up for Cas and felt him crawl into the bed next to him.

Fingers slid across his stomach and up his chest, Cas's face was already buried in his neck. "No marks," Dean whispered as he tilted his head, giving Cas better access to the tender skin. He got lost in the feeling of full lips and gentle teeth, a tongue swirling around a sensitive nipple until it was drawn into Cas's mouth for a soft bite. Hands moving down his body, brushing fingers along the waistband of his boxers, teasing him. Dean moaned and reached down, but Cas pushed his hands away before sliding his boxers off. He wrapped his hand around the base and ran his tongue along the length of Dean's hard shaft stopping just below the sensitive head. The slow lift of Dean's hips encouraged Cas to slide his tongue around the ridge before taking the head in his mouth and gently sucking, stroking the shaft slowly. "Oh god Cas..." Dean moaned when he felt Cas's head dip, his hot mouth sliding further down his hard cock. His tongue was smooth against the silky skin, his lips pulled over his teeth as he moved his head up and down, taking more each time. Dean was trembling but trying to hold still, he didn't want this to end. All too soon he felt the familiar throbbing and rocked his hips, gently thrusting into Cas's mouth until he knew that he couldn't take anymore. "I'm going to..." came out as a strangled cry as Cas, with one last movement, pushed his head down and felt the hot sticky fluid against the back of this throat. He waited for Dean to go limp before he pulled his head away. "Cas..." Dean panted, "do you want me...I mean...should I..." Cas pulled Dean's boxers back up over him and stood up, "No, I'm still sore too. Goodnight Dean." Dean eventually heard the fluttering and knew that Cas had gotten dressed and left. He laid on his bed trying to catch his breath, trying to figure out what was going on, trying to accept that the best blow job he'd ever gotten was from and angel, a man, his best friend. He was so relaxed that he fell asleep without moving.

\------------------------

Again, it was just a normal day. Cas laid on the couch and read a book, Sam stayed in his room doing whatever it was that Sam did in his room, and Dean decided that it was time for his 'baby', his '67 Impala to have an oil change. He sang along to the music blasting from the stereo as he laid under the car and thought about nothing. He hadn't felt this good in a long time.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't realize that he was waiting for Cas, until he looked at the clock and saw that it was almost morning. 

Cas came to him a couple of nights later, but they didn't say a word, they just touched and kissed until things got heated. When it was over, Cas said goodnight and disappeared. Within a few weeks they had become more brazen. Dean pushed Cas on the couch and buried his head in his lap, returning the favor, while Sam was in the shower. Cas handed Dean the bottle of lube and let him bend him over the table after Sam went to bed. They would go somewhere in the car and end up pulled over into the woods, reaching for each other until they found themselves in the backseat, out of breath and trying to find their clothes. But still, they never talked about it. Not before, not during, and not after. It just happened.

The day that Dean felt jealous when he saw Cas leaning over Sam's shoulder, was the day that he knew that he needed to stop it.

\-------------------------

Dean was just drifting off to sleep on the couch when he felt the hands slide under his shirt and up his chest. He shifted his body and let out a low moan when Cas's lips started to trail across his neck and up his jaw. "Cas, wait" he whispered as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He could feel Cas standing in front of him, he wanted to tell him that this needed to stop, that it wouldn't end well, but Cas was so close. Dean reached out and grabbed him, pulling him onto his lap. Cas settled in and straddled Dean, holding him between his thighs. Dean leaned his head back on the couch waiting for Cas to press his lips against his neck. He slid his hands down Cas's back and grabbed his ass, trying to slide his body closer, he was already picturing Cas riding his cock. He felt Cas moan and lifted his head, ready to feel Cas's lips against his. They were chest to chest, rocking their hips. "Oh god...I need to stop doing this in these pants..." Dean whispered when Cas reached down between them. He was already hard, pressing painfully against his zipper, but he didn't want to move. Dean was losing himself in the feeling of Cas's mouth on his, their tongues sliding against one another while Cas gently rubbed his cock through his pants when he felt Cas freeze and slowly lift his head. Dean knew, Sam had walked in. Dean leaned forward and rested his forehead on Cas's chest, he didn't want to look back at his brother. Cas's body language said it all. 

"Oh, uh sorry guys. I'l just..." Sam stammered.

"You'll what, Sammy?" Dean asked, his face still buried against Cas. "Besides the fact that the mood is dead, and I mean REALLY dead, this is one of those moments that we are going to relive when you tell me that we need to talk, isn't it?"

"No, no. We don't need to talk about it."

Dean realized that Cas still had his hand on his cock, he still had his hands on Cas's ass. "Cas, slide off," he whispered, guiding Cas off of his lap. He shifted, still uncomfortably hard in his pants. "No, we don't need to talk" he finally turned to look at Sam, "but you'll still try." Cas was leaning in the corner of the couch, his cheeks bright red, Dean reached out and squeezed his knee before he stood up, subtly pulling the fabric at his crotch, hoping that his t-shirt was long enough to cover him. He turned around and could see the surprise on Sam's face, but there was something else there, he was pissed. "Okay Sammy, give it to me. Which talk? I'm guessing you're going to go for the one where you tell me how big of an asshole I am."

"I'm not going to tell you that you're an asshole, Dean. It's just that, it's Cas."

"And?"

"He's impressionable, Dean. You know how he feels about you."

"Oh, so I'm the bad guy here? I've just been in the shadows for all of these years, waiting for my moment to pounce on this poor innocent little angel?" 

"That's not what I'm trying to say."

Dean could feel the anger rising, he was the one who was starting to have feelings, not Cas. "Then what are you trying to say, Sam? Don't try to tell me that you've never wondered if this was going on."

"Okay, maybe I've wondered. I guess I'd just always hoped that you'd..."

"That I'd what?" 

"Not do this."

Dean laughed, "So now your're my moral compass? And by 'moral compass' I mean judgmental jackass. You don't even know how this whole thing started."

"Dean, I'm not asking you to explain yourself."

"Yeah, Sam, you are. You should see yourself, man."

"Dean..."

"I know that I've earned a reputation for being a total dick, but you really think this little of me? You really think that I would do something to hurt Cas? Tell me this, Sam, when you walked into this room did he look like he was being held against his will on my lap with his tongue down my throat? You have no fucking idea about what's been going on so don't you dare judge me."

"Stop!" Cas yelled from the couch. "I'm in the room, I can hear what you're saying, and I'm not a child."

"According to Sam you might as well be." Dean wanted to be angry with Cas, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

"I'm just trying to be the voice of reason." Sam said calmly.

"Okay, then wrap your head around this, Sam. This has been going on for months, when you sleep, when you're gone, when we're gone. We've learned how long the average Sam Winchester shower lasts, that's how much we've wanted to hide it from you. That should tell you something. But the best part? The part that the two of you can sit down over coffee tomorrow and laugh about, is that the joke's on me. I'm the one who gives a shit, he isn't, so don't you stand here and act like I'm being a selfish dick, not this time." he shoved past Sam and walked down the hallway, slamming his bedroom door behind him. 

Sam didn't know what to say to Cas, Cas didn't know what to say to Sam. 

"Cas...I. I'm sorry. I mean I know that you've always..."

"I've always been the weak little lovestruck angel that followed Dean Winchester around, that's what you're trying to say. You are apologizing for him."

Sam was still dumbfounded, "I don't know, maybe."

"Don't. You don't understand what is going on. He needs to be left alone."

\-------------------------

Dean was hurt. Dean was angry. He knew that the two people that he cared about the most were in that room talking about him like he was some kind of predator. They had probably completely bypassed the part when he admitted that he had feelings for Cas, but maybe that was a good thing, he never expected that he'd end up admitting it. He had fought side by side with Cas for years, they had even fought against one another, but they always found their way back. He would never hurt Cas. He always looked out for Cas just like he did for Sam, and Cas had given up so much for him. The first time Cas touched him, he knew that was it, he'd reached his his breaking point. Regardless of what they may think, he was human and he felt things, even if all they ever saw was either black or white. Cas fit somewhere in the grey area that neither one of them could understand. He wanted Cas to come to him, but he knew he that he wouldn't. He didn't want to see Sam, but he'd have to face him tomorrow. He laid on his bed with his headphones on, trying to shut out the noise in his head, trying to stop second guessing all of the things that Cas had said to him over the last couple of month, just wondering if there was something in there, letting him know that Cas felt something towards him. Big bad Dean Winchester had been broken.

\-------------------------

"Cas?"

"Sam, I'm sorry, but I really don't want to talk. This has been too much."

"I understand," Sam said. "You know where to find me."

Cas watched him walk down the hallway towards his room, hesitating for a moment at Dean's door. A part of Cas wanted to go to Dean, he'd always gone to Dean when he was angry or upset and he could feel Dean struggling, but how could he do that now? He would want to crawl in his bed to wrap his arms around him, and that would just make things worse. He thought about disappearing, there were places he could go, but to be honest, he didn't want to. In all of the years that he had been with the Winchesters, he had never expected any of this. He took full responsibility for how it started, but he wasn't sure how it had progressed from one night of drunken fun into a secretive affair that lead to an argument between the brothers. He never wanted that.

Nobody slept that night. Cas was an angel and didn't need to, Sam was confused and still trying to make sense of what had happened, and Dean was hurt and lonely. He wanted Cas in his bed, but not in the way he'd been there before. He wanted comfort and that scared the shit out of him.

\-------------------------

Dean had hoped that he wouldn't hear their voices in the kitchen. He hated that he was standing in the hallway, out of sight, just listening to the low murmurs. He needed coffee, and he wasn't going to back down and hide. They stopped talking when he walked in. He poured coffee into a large mug and went back into his room, he couldn't do this right now.

Cas could feel that Dean wasn't defeated, but he was hurt. He had worked his entire life to build the reputation that he had, and in one night it all changed. Cas felt guilty and lonely, but those weren't good enough reasons to go to Dean. They were empty and hollow. He had thought that he'd been giving Dean what he wanted, and he'd never thought about anything beyond the physical contact. He had come to the conclusion a long time ago that Dean wasn't capable of giving more of himself. He'd been wrong. 

Sam wanted to apologize, say something, but he knew that it would just start another argument. Dean had a short fuse, and Sam knew that he'd already crossed the line last night with his accusations. Their father had raised Dean to be a soldier, a killing machine, and sometimes it was hard to see that he was just as human as Sam was. Sometimes their differences was what brought them together, sometimes they tore them apart. If there was one thing that Sam had learned was that sometimes Dean just needed time and space.

\-------------------------

Dean finally made an appearance, freshly showered and dressed. "So I'm guessing that we're all in agreement, I fucked up and I am an asshole."

"Dean, it's not like that."

"Hey, not looking for a scene from a soap opera here, Sam. Just stating facts. I think that Cas will agree with me that this whole thing was a huge mistake that got blown out of proportion. So just try to...I don't know...unsee what you saw last night. I am a dick, but it's done and over with. Sorry, no warm fuzzy group hug to seal the deal. I'm leaving, I'll be back, and I don't ever want this shit brought up again." he walked up the stairs and let the bunker door slam behind him. Cas and Sam just looked at each other when they heard the car pull away.

\-------------------------

Dean wanted to drink, and he wanted to do it alone. The cheap motel room was just a reminder of what his life used to be, always on the road, never staying in one place, but at times it seemed more simple then. He sat on the bed propped against the wall and screwed the cap off of the bottle, he'd bought three and figured that should hold him over for a couple of days. At least until distance made the heart grow smarter and he was finally able to separate his feelings for Cas from how he felt when he was alone with Cas in the dark. Cas was right, it had been a long time, he was needy before that first drunken night. He needed to clear his head by muddling it with the effects of the alcohol, the Dean Winchester school of psychotherapy.

\-------------------------

Sam finally stopped pacing, "it's been hours, Cas."

"Sam, you are acting like Dean has never done this before. He has left for days at a time. I told you last night, he needs to be left alone." Cas tilted his head slightly and looked at Sam, "This isn't meant to be a criticism Sam, but sometimes you don't give Dean credit for having feelings."

"That's not true, Cas. I know my brother better than anyone. I know how he is."

"But you stood here and accused him of things when you didn't know the truth. You judged him. What if I told you that Dean didn't start any of this? It was my idea, Sam. I pursued him."

Sam was shocked, "Okay, but that's because you're..."

"I'm what? I'm in love with him? I know that's what you think and I know that you are trying to protect me. I appreciate that Sam, but I can take care of myself when it comes to Dean. You may feel that know him better than anyone, and in many ways you do, but there are things that you will never understand. You have a hard time trusting him to make the right decisions."

"I've trusted him with my life."

"But you walked into a room and all you saw was him taking advantage of me. You seem to forget that I'm not human, Sam. I may be around all of the time and I generally fit in, but I'm still an angel. You and I, we don't always see things the same way. Apparently neither do Dean and I. If this were to be anybody's fault, it would be mine. Dean didn't do anything that I didn't ask of him. He would never hurt me."

"He has, Cas."

Cas shook his head, "but not like this, never like this. He never crossed that line until I asked him to. I know that you are thinking that he still shouldn't have, but it's really none of your business. I'm sorry if what you saw made you uncomfortable. That's one of the reasons we were trying to keep it from you. The other reason was so something like last night didn't happen. I knew that if you found out you would make accusations. I didn't want that for him."

"What did you want for him? I think that we both know how he is when it comes to sex."

"I did that for me, Sam. It was purely selfish on my part. If anybody used anybody, I used him. You misunderstand me. You see who I am out there, during battles and fights, you see how I protect him and you interpret that as some type of unrequited love."

"How do you feel about him, Cas?"

Cas thought for a minute, "Like I said, I am still an angel, human emotions don't always make sense to me."

"You've been human before."

"For a few days, weeks, maybe even months, but certainly not long enough to understand what it's like to really be a human. I care about you, Sam, just as I do my own brothers and sisters. I was sent to earth under orders to retrieve your brother's soul from hell, we all know that, and what I feel for him can't be explained. You need to just trust him, and by that I mean that you need to let this go. Don't keep trying to talk to him about it. This is between Dean and me, and I hope that you can respect that." 

"Okay, but what do I do? Just sit here and wait for him to come back? Pretend like none of this ever happened?"

"Yes, and I'll go to him when he's ready. I caused this, I need to fix it."

\-------------------------

Dean heard the soft fluttering, "Sorry Cas, my bed is closed for business."

Cas stepped out of the shadows, "that's not why I'm here."

"Well if Sam sent you then you are a couple of days late. He would have had your ass on my tail the minute I lit out of there."

"Sam didn't send me, Dean."

"Ah, exercising free will. Good for you. So if my bed is closed, and Sam didn't send you, why in the hell are you here?"

Cas sat down in the chair and faced Dean, they had only the light from one dim lamp and he couldn't make out Dean's facial features, but he knew that his green eyes were glossy and he had a pained smirk on his face. "To see you, to make sure that you are okay."

"I'm fine, Cas." Dean said, taking a drink straight out of the bottle in his hand. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Sam said some hurtful things."

"Yeah, well fuck Sam."

"That's basically what I told him, I just worded it a little differently." Cas said quietly.

"I'm guessing that was an interesting conversation." Dean drunkenly chuckled. "The sweet little angel tells the uptight hunter to basically fuck off. Sorry I missed it."

"I just told him that this is none of his business."

Dean finally looked at Cas, "there is no 'this'. Not anymore. It shouldn't have happened, Cas. We both know that. So instead of hashing it out with my brother, I get to sit in a cheap motel room and have this conversation with you. I really am a lucky man."

"Dean..."

"No, really Cas. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and with me, and to me for the last couple of months. It was a hell of a ride, but we know the script here. I will drink until I don't want to drink anymore and then I will go home and find my brother giving me that look, wanting to say something but not daring to because of my short fuse. You'll either disappear or just sit somewhere and quietly watch us."

Cas could hear Dean swallowing the scotch in the heavy silence.

"I know you want to leave, Cas."

"Maybe I do, but not until I fix this."

"I already told you, there is no 'this'. We fucked, a lot, and we shouldn't have."

"You make everything so 'all or nothing'. I get why you don't want to talk to Sam, I've known you two long enough to see how he is. But why shut me out?"

"Because I don't see anything good coming from this conversation. A conversation that I don't want to have."

"It's always sarcasm and anger with you, Dean. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?"

"Actually Cas, I do. Usually it makes people leave me the hell alone." Dean was becoming defensive.

Cas was frustrated, and he did want to leave, but not yet. "It's not going to work."

"Oh yeah?" Dean asked, sitting up. "You're going to stick around and watch me drink?"

"No, I'll leave if you can tell me honestly that the only reason you left the bunker was because you were angry with Sam."

"That's not the only reason, and you know it. Why are you doing this, Cas? Actually, hold that thought. Let's back up here, why did you do any of this, Cas? Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but after all of these years you got drunk and propositioned me. That's a Dean move, not a Cas move."

"What is it with you and Sam? I have fought battles alongside you. I have bled and suffered with you and for you, and yet you both still act like I am a child."

"Cas, you have to admit..."

"Admit what, Dean?" Cas raised his voice in frustration. "That I can't take care of myself? That I can't think for myself? I'm not like you and Sam, I never will be. I'm not even human. Neither one of you seems to remember that."

"Wow...that just added a whole new level of creepy to the last few months."

"Damnit Dean, I have spent years trying to adjust to your world, trying to make you comfortable with the idea that I'm just a version of you that doesn't need to eat or sleep. Maybe that was the mistake. My world, where I come from, is a lot different than yours, but you don't seem to be able to remember that. After that first night, you told me that you weren't sorry...and neither am I." Dean could hear the frustration in Cas's voice. Cas had never talked to him like this.

"So what do you want from me Cas?" 

"I want you to put the bottle down, drop the sarcasm, and talk to me."

Dean leaned over and set the bottle on the nightstand, "now what?"

"Some truth...honesty. Why did you leave the bunker?"

Dean sighed and rubbed his forehead, "I sat up on the couch that night with every intention of telling you that we had to stop. I couldn't do it anymore, Cas."

"Why?"

"You know that I feel backed into a corner, right? You know that almost every part of me wants you to leave?"

"I know, but you didn't answer my question." 

"I was getting too attached. Is that what you want to hear?"

"If it's the truth, then yes."

Dean groaned, "Seriously, why are you doing this?"

"Because I am not giving you up over this. I am not letting you walk away from me just because you're too afraid to actually tell me what is going on. We've been through way too much, Dean. I know you, you would rather bleed than talk to me."

"I got too attached. I saw you bent over Sam's shoulder, and I got jealous. I hated myself for it."

"Dean," Cas said softly, "I don't see Sam that way, not the way that I see you."

"I know that, but how do you see me Cas? Because I'm confused as hell. I have never let somebody get close to me, not like I have with you. I would lay down my life for you, and I know that you would do the same. The only reason we met was because you saved my soul. But, when you touched me that night, something inside of me broke. You know me. You've seen me at my lowest points. You have seen all of the ugliness that I carry around inside of me. You have seen parts of me that I'm not proud of, but you've always stayed by my side. You've always been there, and then you asked if you could come to my bed. I let go of everything that night. I trusted you completely, something that I have never done before, and it has fucked me up. There's your truth, there's your honesty."

"Why would trusting me make you feel that way?"

"God Cas, haven't you paid attention for all of these years? Haven't you listened to my backstory? This shit never goes well. I lose people, they either die or they walk away. Dean Winchester doesn't get happy endings, and that's not a bid for sympathy. You know what I am."

"No, I know what you want people to think that you are. Out there, you are a force to be reckoned with, you have no fear. You're unrelenting and brutal, and you get the job done. I've seen it time after time, even when we were on opposite sides. You take your anger home with you and you use sarcasm as a defense. I know that you've cracked, you've let Sam, and even me, see what you were dealing with, but it's always momentary. Dean Winchester doesn't get happy endings because he won't let himself try, and I get it, I really do. You've lost almost everyone that you care about and you blame yourself. But it's not you, it's the life you've lead. You can't save everyone."

"I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know if I want to be anything else."

"That's because you've spent your entire life trying to prove that you could surpass your father's expectations, that you could be stronger, that you could save people instead of letting them down."

"Can we not bring my daddy issues into this? I'm well aware of them." Dean reached for the bottle on the nightstand, but pulled his hand back. Cas asked him to leave it there and he owed him that much.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I never knew him, but everyone who did has said that you are twice the man that he was. You have always felt like he never cared about you, you hate him for that. Is that how you want to be?"

"Don't you do this Cas, don't you go there."

"Dean, when you finally admit to yourself that you have feelings for someone, you shut down. I'm not letting that happen."

Cas stood up and walked over to the bed.

"Cas, please don't."

"I just want to sit next to you, Dean. I won't touch you, but I'm not leaving your side until you can see what I see when I look at you."

Dean slid over and made room for Cas, but he couldn't look at him.

"And what is that, Cas? Enlighten me."

"Sam asked me how I feel about you. You asked me how I see you. I wish I had a simple answer, but you're going to have to listen to the complicated one. I was always taught to love humanity, and I did. I did what I could to protect them, to help them, to comfort them. Even after I saw how ugly humanity could be, I still loved them. I thought that I gave them everything that I had and everything that I was, until I met you. The first time I saw you, felt you, I knew that things had changed for me. I needed to protect you. I have failed you many times, and for that I am sorry."

"Cas..."

"Dean, please just hear me out." Cas said softly. He wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but he knew that he couldn't. "Everything that I wanted for humanity is nothing compared to what I want for you. I would do anything for you. Angels aren't supposed to feel that way, we aren't supposed to feel more for one human, but I do and I always have. I know that I look like the lovestruck angel that follows you around, I even told Sam that. It isn't that simple. I'm not weak and childish like you two seem to think that I am. I'm just quiet in your world. When you are at home, those rare moments when you are peaceful, that is what I want for you."

"Is that why you had sex with me? For my benefit?"

"No, that was purely selfish. I wanted to know what it would be like. I didn't expect it to continue, I didn't plan to come back into your room. I never wanted to hurt you, Dean. What I feel for you is unimaginable, I never knew it was possible. Maybe you don't want to hear that, but that's my truth and my honesty."

"So what does all of this mean, Cas?" Dean asked quietly.

Cas reached for Dean's hand, "That I will do what it takes to keep you from walking away. That someday I will prove to you that you deserve the happy ending, whether it's with me or somebody else."

Dean had been holding back the tears, but he finally let go when he intertwined his fingers with Cas's. 

"I can't explain how I feel about you with just three words, Dean."

After laying in a thick silence, Dean pulled his hand free and rolled towards Cas, "I don't know what to do with that." he whispered.

"Let me stay here with you, I want to fix what's broken."

"We can't go back, Cas. We can't change things."

"I don't want to go back, things have already changed. We can't pretend like it never happened, and I can't lose you."

Dean reached out and pulled Cas to him.

"So let's do this the right way," Cas said, lifting his head and gently placing his lips against Dean's. "No movie moments. Just two bodies doing what feels right."

Dean pushed Cas on his back and rolled on his side, pressing his hand against the side of Cas's face. "I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to explain..."

"Then don't explain. Just show me. Let me fix this."

Dean dipped his head for a gentle kiss, softly running his tongue against Cas's lips, wanting to feel his mouth. He didn't feel hurried or rushed, he felt like he was going to cry again. He rolled on top of Cas and sat up to pull his shirt over his head. He moaned softly when he felt Cas's hands gently run up his stomach and chest. Cas could barely make out the lines of Dean's body in the glow of the cheap lamp, but he saw Dean in a way that he never had before. Dean reached down pushed Cas's his shirt up his body. He laid compliantly beneath him until his shirt was off, and watched Dean drop it on the floor next to his own. Cas cradled Dean's body between his legs and pulled him down into another kiss, this one long and lingering. They had all night. Cas could feel Dean's full lips against his shoulders, his neck, his collarbone. He dropped a sweet kiss at the base of Cas's throat and sat up again, fumbling with the button on his pants, "I'm only wearing boxers, we need to get you out of these pants." Dean said quietly when Cas reached down to help him. With his pants on the floor, Cas held Dean against him, he didn't know that Dean could be this gentle. They touched and they kissed, whispering sweet words they had both wanted to say for so long. They were hard, pressing against one another, but they didn't move, this wasn't about the orgasm, this was about making things right. They became lost in each other, lips moving, hands sliding, backs arching, soft moans and gasps escaping their lips. Cas needed to feel Dean against him, all of Dean. He reached down and started to push the waistband of his boxers, "I want to feel you" he whispered. Dean slid their boxers off and pressed their bodies together. He trailed his hands down Cas's arms until he was able to intertwine their fingers and pull Cas's hands above his head, leaning down to gently kiss him again. Cas was slowly rocking his hips, reveling in the feeling of Dean's body against his. This was right. Dean rocked back against Cas, enjoying the build, not working towards the finish, he'd never felt this way, not with anyone. He let go of Cas's hands and reached down to cradle his face between his own, he kissed the corners of Cas's mouth and dropped light kisses all over his face. "You're right, there aren't words to explain this" he whispered, bringing tears to Cas's eyes. "I'm not going to tell you not to cry, I need to see how I make you feel." He kissed the tears from the corners of Cas's eyes and held him, still gently rocking their bodies together. They spent hours rolling around the bed, Cas running his fingers along Dean's shoulders and down his back. Dean gently moving his mouth against Cas's neck and jaw. The build was becoming too much for Dean, he knew that he would feel the throbbing soon. "I would stay like this all night, but my body has other ideas." and he started rocking faster, pressing his body down against their hard cocks. "It's okay, so does mine." Cas whispered, meeting Dean's rhythm. They didn't want it to end, but their need took over. "I'm going to..." Cas whispered. "That's okay, so am I." Cas exploded between their stomachs, crying out Dean's name, and Dean came a few thrusts later. He dropped his head and buried his face in Cas's neck, the tears streaming down his cheeks. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, pressing his hand to the back of his head and let him cry. Things had changed, things were different, Cas just hoped that it was enough to fix it. Dean finally sat up, "Sorry about that" he said quietly, wiping his hands down his face. "Sorry about what? Dean, stop apologizing for your emotions. You don't need to hide them, not from me." Dean just nodded silently while Cas cleaned them up with the tissues he found on the nightstand. Dean finally laid down on his side and pulled Cas to him. "You don't need to try to adjust to my world, Cas. You need to be who you are. But you're right, this is bigger than three words. I know that I'm not easy to deal with, but don't give up on me." Cas turned his head to kiss him, "I'm not going to lose you, Dean." Cas felt Dean fall asleep, their bodies pressed together. Dean was at peace.


End file.
